just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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