I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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