I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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