my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am midnight drunk by noon
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
