I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
