Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
