I hate all girls vehemently.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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