Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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