i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
