just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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