Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize