Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Rumble strips road head = magical
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
