the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
