i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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