I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
