new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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