I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
