His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
