I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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