my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
