Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
