I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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