I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
