i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
