I wish I could teleport
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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