I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
