K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
