your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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