peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
