Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
