i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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