Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
