If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
