Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
