: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
