I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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