Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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