If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
