Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sober January is a disaster.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
