I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
