Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
