The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
