The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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