Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
