Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
