i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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