So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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