Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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