i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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