i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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