He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
