I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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