oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
