a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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