I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
