So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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