I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
