And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
please come you make the beer taste better
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
