Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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