Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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