so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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