chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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