The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
