I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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