the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
