I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
