Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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