be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
